The stars are always so beautiful, and now we know why they’re so hot. Here’s one smart tip for a chemical-free diet that doctors hate: simply add your food to a pot of water, then raise the temperature to ten thousand degrees. It doesn’t really matter which kind of degrees. Your food will boil, then ionize, rupturing every molecular bond and thereby eliminating every evil chemical from your food.
This high-energy diet helps the stars constantly lose weight, converting mass directly into energy and a healthy natural glow! Matter may tell space how to curve, but it’s your curves people will care about with our new Einstein formulation. E = mc^2, and he’ll be seen staring—-at YOU! There you have it, the diet secret so hot doctors advise you not to look directly at it. What’s more, it includes all the advantages of other fashionable fad diets:
Plasma Has Paleo Power!
It’s no secret that modern mass-produced food is a conspiracy to cripple us. That’s why people like the paleo diet: they understand that things were better in the old days. Back when our diet guaranteed exercise and healthy weight loss as we desperately scrabbled over filthy rocks and through stinging forests to find something we could kill and consume to avoid starvation for a few more hours.
Sometimes we’d lose whole kilos of weight instantly in tiger attacks. Because the fastest route to a hot body is having it burned by the metabolic activity of a Panthera Tigris! No one ever felt down in the dumps when they were fleeing a big cat. And if you managed to turn the tables, you got slimming striped fashion! Rowr!
Ug Monthly’s cover image, scare story, fashion guide, and health tip, all in one!
Paleo is pretty powerful, but it only ignores everything ever learned by human intelligence going back to before we had writing. The plasma diet ignores the entire history of the human race, and more, going back to before the beginning of organic life—-and that means no cellulite!
“Uggo not worry carcinogens–Uggo dead by 30!”
The Evil Additive In All Other Foods
You’ve heard of evil chemicals, but did you know that all these chemicals contain “molecules”? These “molecules” are found in all carcinogenic foods, and in fat-building foods, and all foods related to diabetes, and in fact every food even tangentially related to anything you’ve ever heard of, positive or negative. And those money-grubbing corporations put molecules in your food without a label!
“We’re making a new state of matter entirely out of money.”
These processed molecules aren’t native to the natural raw young universe. They didn’t form until the universe was half a billion years old. And in all that time it kept getting bigger, becoming less bright and less radiant. Sound familiar? That’s why we’re restoring universal youth with plasma. Trust us–eat a faceful of plasma, and you won’t have to worry about wrinkles ever again!
No one ever says the sun looks old!
(Hot as) Hell No GMO!
Genetically Modified Organisms: the greatest worry of health-conscious shoppers too busy to actually learn a single thing about what worries them. Who has time to know what they’re talking about anyway? These consumers only eat organisms whose genetic breeding was guided by burly farmers, with their rough, calloused hands, because they have obscenely naïve imaginations about what things were like in the old days. Because when we think of medieval health, we definitely don’t think of plagues and starvation.
“Why no, I don’t worry about carcinogens. Because I’ll be dead by 30.”
Today’s discerning dumbass wants food that has been artisanally genetically edited by tens of thousands of breedings by the guesses of filthy farming strangers, not those silly sterile laboratories full of experts! But even those authentic genes are 100% chemicals. So destroy them all with our weight-vaporizing plasma diet!
100% Natural Raw Diet
Some people insist on raw natural ingredients. Nature doesn’t suffer from the evils of human greed, making 100% natural products like the hanta virus, leprosy, or the trypanosome protozoa which infests and destroys the human nervous system! If you spend any time reading about what unfiltered nature actually does to the human body, you wouldn’t just insist on processed food: your only real choices would be living on a space station or setting fire to everything and ionizing the ashes.
Which is what the plasma diet offers! The rawest possible ingredients: the protons, neutrons, and electrons assembled before horrible post-processing like “cosmic nucleosynthesis.”
Buy Now!
There are just so many new health fads. Avoid all the stress and confusion of actually learning instead of parroting with our HealthMatic AntiChemical FoodRight Spheromak, a snip at ten million dollars. Because who can put a price tag on health? Plasma technology involves many more and longer buzzwords than any other fad diet, so it must be smarter. Plasma contains no chemicals, no fat, no genes, nothing that the human body could ever need to survive. Buy now and you’ll never worry about food again!
Luke McKinney writes about games, drink, science, and everything else that makes life amazing. He’s a columnist on Cracked and writes for several beer magazines. He’s also available for hire. Follow him on Tumblr and Twitter @lukemckinney.
Luke conducted some consumption science of his own in What’s the Focal Length of Whiskey?
Science MUST know the effects of doing science drunkenly!
